How to Eat Like a Jerk.

Here is my own personal foolproof method on how to eat like a complete and utter jerk. This method will certainly mess up your diet for the entire day and quite possible the week. Enjoy!

1. Skip Breakfast
If you skip breakfast, I’m talkin’ not even a lousy piece of fruit on the go, by 10:15am those jelly donuts a co-worker brought in are gonna start looking pretty damn good! You will easily be able to devour the quantity of three breakfasts in half the time since you will be "starving.”

2. Forget Your Lunch
Leave your carrot sticks and hummus on the counter and your salad mix untouched in the fridge at home. This way when the girls at work start taking names for take-out orders you have absolutely no reason not to participate in that disaster. Also, since you’ve got no healthy snacks on you, that Peanut Butter Twix at the drugstore counter seems like a great way to tide you over for the afternoon; I mean, it’s got protein right?

3. Order a Sheet Pizza
On the way to a family party order a sheet pizza and ask for it to be cut into forty slices. The pieces are cut smaller to get the forty slices, which makes it super easy to rationalize that you actually only crushed four normal size pieces instead of eight tiny pieces.

4. Remember, You Can Always Start Over Tomorrow
Build up the mindset that once you fuck up, you should continue to fuck up. Why try and eat healthy now? Your day is sufficiently destroyed. Eat those cookies! Eat four! Have some Hershey Kisses-might as well at this point. You can simply start dieting tomorrow, right?

5. Hit up the Drive-thru
Is Wendy’s open at 1:00am? Sure is! What a perfect end to a horrible day.