Hello again...

Due to the fact that a) I have felt extremely lost lately and unable to give any kind of sound advice and b) have lost the Internet at my house for reasons beyond my control (not paying the Verizon bill) I have taken a small hiatus. I have spent some much needed time focusing on my health and reading some extremely necessary and insightful books in an attempt to find myself again. Having almost achieved my goal (not weight loss goal but attempt to find myself again goal) I can now sit back at the computer reading through all my old blog posts with a clear, rather newly informed head.

As I read, I feel ashamed. I am embarrassed by my shallow words. I wonder when I became this girl. This girl who judges herself solely by the size of her waist. When did I become so engrossed in my own appearance? So self-absorbed. How one-dimensional and petty have I become? When did carrying extra weight begin to mean unattractiveness in every sense of the word? When did eating a measly carbohydrate begin to signify that I was an undisciplined, damaged, worthless pig? When did food stop being nourishment but rather a symbol of my deepest weaknesses? When did I stop being me to become nothing more than an insignificant number on a scale?

I know what it feels like to hate your body and in turn hate yourself. I know what it feels like to truly believe you are the most revolting creature on the planet. It seems to be a right of passage that biological females must go through self-hatred at some point in their lives, but some of us just can’t seem to shake it. During my hiatus from this blog I hit an all time low in regards to my self-esteem. Feeling fat, and therefore worthless, I decided to do what I always do when I’m at my lowest and can’t seem to figure my way out of it: I educated myself. I read book after book on the female body, feminism, and women’s history until I understood the reasons for my existing way of negative thinking about myself, and how to change that unconstructive thinking into a constructive cause.

I now understand that “Girls today grow up believing that "good looks" -- rather than "good works" -- are the highest form of female perfection.” We spend our days a slave to the mirror, to the calorie, to a system that is playing on our self-doubt every single day. We pledge blind allegiance to a culture that celebrates only the trimmest, tightest, sagless, bulgeless, lineless, hairless, big-breasted, perfect, plastic unrealistic model that we call “the female body”. This is how we lose ourselves. This is how I lost myself in a weight-loss induces haze. I let myself become sexualized, objectified, and demoralized by believing that I was supposed to fit into some generic mold. It fucks with you.

As women living in contemporary America, we are trained to forget what are bodies were organically made for and what they are capable of. We are the baby makers, the life givers, the strongest sex, and the most in tune to our emotions as well as the emotions of others. We are all amazing women with a lot more to offer than a tight ass. We’ve got to be willing to accept that we were put on this earth for more than our endless attempts to lose weight or cure our acne or get really tan or (insert whatever you want to change about yourself physically here).

I’m not trying to say that we should all stop trying to drop a few pounds when needed I just think we, myself included, need to become more conscious and rational when going forward with such decisions so to not become blindly obedient to a society that glorifies holocaust victims in pageant makeup.

My point exactly.

I wish I could take back all the horrible things I’ve said about myself in regards to my figure and other appearance related issues both in this blog and throughout my life. Alas, I cannot change my past. All I can do now is attempt to advocate for young girls that are growing up in this unforgiving world today so they may never have to lose their authentic voice and self-confidence the way I have.

Books you must read if you are in anyway self-conscious about your female body:

Unbearable Weight: Feminism, Western Culture, and The Body by Susan Bordo

The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth

Is there hope for fat women?

I enjoy Sex…and the City-you know, that decade long, number one show turned big screen movie? Well, today while I was at the gym (yes, I was at the gym, and can I just say while on the subject that I see more bare breasts in my gym’s locker room than in a Stanley Kubrick film) I was watching an episode of Sex and the City entitled Unoriginal Sin. I couldn’t help but relate the whole thing to my life at the moment.

The episode starts with our heroin, Carrie Bradshaw, sitting at her computer trying to drum up new material for her weekly sex column, but finding it very difficult since she’s not in a relationship. She fears that her lack of insightful columns (or her lack of columns in general) will get her fired by her editor. Like Carrie, I too have been sitting at my computer a lot trying to drum up ideas for my weight loss column blog, yet finding it extremely difficult to come up with anything insightful since I’m not losing weight! Though I don’t have an editor breathing down my neck and causing me to fear getting fired for shitty writing, I do have readers that are important to me and I fear that my blog with become nothing but a big fat joke (pun intended) if I continue being such a disappointment.

As sad as it is, after all of this talking, complaining, whining, crying protesting, praying and blogging, I am still fat. I'm beginning to think that there is something seriously fucking wrong with me. I wrack my brain every night as to why I can't seem to stick to a diet at this point in my life when I have done it successfully in the past. What's different now? Have I changed mentally? Is there something physically wrong with me? Or is it D, all of the above? I’m starting to think that the only thing I can be consistent with is failure.

If you’ve seen this episode of Sex and the City that I’m talking about, then you remember that Carrie was beginning to become very cynical and pessimistic about finding love after having so many devastating disappointments and heartbreaks with men. Most of the time I feel cynical and pessimistic about this weight loss journey after so many unsuccessful, pointless attempts. I feel emotionally deflated while physically more inflated (have you seen my ass?!) My cynical side is doubtful that this weight loss will ever happen for me and wonders if all this diet related stress is even worth it. I know losing weight isn’t supposed to be easy, but I didn’t think it would be this impossible! Is there any hope left for me? Is there hope for fat women?

In the end of the episode Carrie dedicates her book of columns to "Charlotte York, the eternal optimist." I dedicate my blog to optimism in general. To hopefulness and confidence about the future of successful weight loss. To hopeful women everywhere.

Andrew Joseph & a Plug.

About a month ago my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Andrew Joseph Christopher-Mazzini. He's perfect:
I don't know if you know this, but before he was born my sister was pregnant. I know, crazy huh! I had my good friend, and photographer, Kasia, take maternity photographs of her. They came out gorgeous:
I was so inspired by the beautiful photographs of my sister and the little joy that was growing inside her belly, that I decided to let Kasia take an intimate photograph of me and what has been making my belly grow:

All photographs by Kasia Jastrzebska (she's Polish). Visit her at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Photography-by-Kasia/129061203806840 to book a photo shoot!

Fat Women I Love.

I apologize for not writing much lately. I’ve been really busy and stressed out from grad school and figuring out my financial aid situation and a whole plethora of other things that make me want to dive head first into a dozen chocolate frosted. And though I haven’t actually eaten 12 donuts I haven’t been doing perfect with my diet given my now disgustingly frantic schedule and complete lack of organization skills. Sometimes after a 9 hour work day and 2 hours in Boston traffic you have no other choice but to crush a coffee roll and Dunkachino; after all, America runs on Dunkin’. But, I digress…

The other day while I was driving to work and listening to talk radio, I was more than a little disturbed by something the talk radio man said. He was talking about what the “perfect” female body is and how the conventional ideal female body has changed over time. For example, in the 40’s and 50’s women seemed to be (and wanted to be) more curvy while in the 90’s the ideal women was anorexic looking (think Cait Moss). Anyway, the host said two things that made me want to vomit 1) that there should be no such thing as a plus size model and 2) that Marilyn Monroe was “overweight”. Really!? You’re going to call one of the sexiest women of all time overweight!? Apparently men like fat women though because every man I’ve ever known has thought Marilyn Monroe was a hot bitch! This got me thinking about other "fat", hot bitches; here’s a few:

Obviously Marilyn goes first since she's the one who started all this. One of the sexiest women of the 20th century.

Born into poverty in rural Mississippi, raised by a teenage single mother and molested at the age of nine, Oprah managed to overcome despondency to reinvent herself as the richest woman in the world with her O empire! Go Oprah!


Not only is Crystal Renn EXTREMELY sexy, she overcame a serious, life threatening case of anorexia to become one of the first high fashion plus sized models. She also wrote a book called Hungry: A Young Model's Story of Appetite, Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves. Love, love, love this woman!

Ummm, Kirstie Alley is hysterical! Have you seen her show Kirstie Alley's Big Life? It's fantastic! The show presents the story of her losing the weight she gained back since her Jenny Craig campaign. Hmmm...Gaining back weight, I can relate to that!

Lizzie Miller was considered too fat to even be a plus-size model, now she's plastered all over the glossy pages of Glamour magazine giving confidence to millions of normal sized women everywhere.

Take these pictures of these women, print them off the computer and cut them out. Paste them on your walls, on your mirrors, stick 'em to your head; I don't care. Just remember, these are real women! Women like you and me! Curves, cellulite, tummy rolls and all! These are the ideal female bodies; they are perfect because they are realistic. You agree?

An Altercation with a Chocolate Cake

A few weeks ago Patrick and I got in a little tiff. I don’t even remember what it was about. I’m sure it was something stupid; maybe he ate the last fruit roll up or something, I don’t even know. Anyway, I said something regrettable and Patrick ended up storming out of the house, slamming the door behind him. He left me home alone with the dog and a chocolate cake.

I made my best attempts to distract my mind from the fight and how upset I felt about the whole situation. I sit on the couch. I lay down. I twist and turn and fumble with pillows. I watch TV. I pet the dog. And then I hear it; the chocolate cake beckoning to me.

“Gina,” it whispered. “Come over here and look at me. Look at my texture. Can you imagine how soothing I would feel melting in your mouth? I bet I taste good enough to make you forget about that man. That awful, terrible man. Come tell me all about your troubles. I’m here for you.”
“I’m not even going to look at you!” I retort back to the cake. “You’re not worth it!”
“Oh, but aren’t I?” Responds the cake. “I have three layers of ooey, gooey comfort in a neat frosting coated shell. I’m fresh and fluffy. I was made with love and kindness. I was created solely for situations like these. I’m just what you need. I will console you. I will numb those pesky, wretched feelings of yours even if just for the moment. I am so worth it.”
I get up and walk toward the cake.
“That’s it, love. Come closer and smell me, touch me, engulf me.” The cake is persistent.
I remove the plastic top covering the cake. It’s voice becomes louder and stronger. The cake continues to plead with more aggression now.
“Let’s run away together.” It suggests. “Let’s live somewhere together where no one will find us! Forget about Patrick, forget about work, the dog, school, just forget it all! Escape with me!” “I won’t judge you!” The cake shouts in a last ditch effort to suck me in, “I don’t think you’re fat!”
I grab a fork and dig it into the cake. I take a bite and then another. I close my eyes and swallow. The cake was right, it is soothing, it is comforting. The cake overwhelms me and for a moment I forget…

Then I remember! I remember my pants and how snug the have become. I remember my weight loss goals and my writing. I remember my promise to myself and to my readers. I realize that eating cake solves nothing-it doesn’t resolve my issues with Patrick!
“But I taste SO good!” The cake relentlessly grapples with me.
I block my ears, run to the kitchen trash and throw the cake away.

Actual photograph of the actual chocolate cake in the trash.

I sit back down alone on the couch and wait for Patrick to come home. No chocolate cake, no TV, no distractions; just myself and my thoughts to wrestle with.
I guess that’s what overcoming emotional addiction to food is all about: learning to put the fork down, throw out the cake and just deal.

You're Addicted To What Now!?

There’s a show on TLC called My Strange Addiction. It features people who have all kinds of weird addictions and obsessive behaviors, a lot of them involving eating things. For example this girl, Kesha is addicted to eating toilet paper! Watch:


There are other equally disturbing episodes other than Kesha’s about eating shit too. There’s a girl who compulsively eats chalk and one who drinks detergent! Seeing this show and listening to these women talk about their suffering due to serious addictions to inedible and, in some cases, poisonous substances makes me feel SO much better about my dependence on wholesome chocolate chip cookies and buttery croissants! In all seriousness though, addiction is, well, serious.

The definition of addiction is as follows:
1. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
2. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions
3. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.

The last one is me! It's me! Number 3 is me! I really do have an addiction to food! I am habitually or compulsively occupied with food! Traditionally people don't think about food as an addiction, they think about heroin or cigarettes or alcohol, but I truly believe that food is an addiction and IT’S THE WORST ADDICTION EVER!
Think about it. Heroin, for example, is a severe and fatal addiction and it’s excruciatingly difficult to kick that habit, but you don’t need heroin to live. (Trust me I’m not trying to discredit heroin, most of my idols suffered and died from heroin addictions.) But again, you don’t NEED it. You don’t need cigarettes or alcohol either. But you do need food. You need food to live. You have to eat food every single day to simply survive. So, if you’re addicted to food you can’t exactly kick the habit cold turkey. Food addiction can’t really be followed by a “recovery” period, but rather a change in your addictive behavior. Don’t eat this, eat that, stay away from that, try this and on and on. One top of controlling what you’re eating everyday, all the time, constantly for the rest of your life, as a food addict you should probably spend some time discovering the causes of your emotional eating the causes of your unhealthy cravings. Food addiction is a never ending battle.

I Googled “How to control food addiction” and I came to a link where some dude was ranting about how you CAN control your compulsion to food. His argument was to avoid all the bad foods you’re addicted to and only eat the healthy foods. So basically, Elio's pizza and jelly donuts out, broccoli and cedar plank salmon in. OK, if it were that simple then why are more than 60 percent of Americans 20 years and older overweight? Because it’s not that simple! Our addiction, the food, is being shoved in out fat faces every two freakin’ seconds! TV commercials, billboards, grocery stores aisles, checkout counters, all attractively flaunting our delicious addictions. Allow me to use the heroin example again. A heroin addict doesn’t walk down the street and have an uncontrollable craving to use come over them because they openly see people shooting up in the streets because people don’t shoot up in public, but they do eat ice cream cones in public. A heroin addict doesn’t have to walk down the grocery aisle every day desperately trying to resist the urge to purchase syringes and black tar heroin because they don’t sell that shit there, but they do openly sell Snickers and caramel Rice Cakes. See my point!?

I’m sorry heroin addicts, but I stand by my original point: food addiction is the worst! So have some sympathy for fat people, OK! We are competing everyday with a serious addiction! get off your high horse skinny bitches! I'm strugglin' here! Talking about addiction and dependence and all the things I just can't control is exhausting and it's making me work up and appetite.

On a lighter note, (no pun) I weighed in on Saturday and my current weight is 199. Oh boy...

Day 1

I’m looking back on my blog, my “diet blog”, and I’m thinking, “Wow, I’ve been righting this for a month or more and I’ve yet to produce any real results for myself or any advice for my readers about weight loss.” Seriously, looking back on my posts I’m noticing that all I’ve done thus far is poke fun at myself for a chuckle or two and talk about how much I love food, how I suck at dieting and how I constantly give into my temptations like it’s my job. I’m not a genius on diet blogs, I just write one, but I’m pretty sure that I am SUPPOSED to be losing weight and tracking my weight loss success here for the world to see. But I’ve yet to lose any weight! In fact, up until now, I’ve yet to do anything fruitful except write about how I plan to lose the weight! Who wants to read a diet blog written by a woman who can’t diet!? I certainly wouldn’t!

So today I’m changing all of this. Today I’m getting back to the basics of why I wrote this blog. It wasn’t to make people laugh at my expense; it wasn’t to discuss delicious foods and how much I long to eat them (and usually do); it wasn’t about me fantasizing in detail about how I wish I were as skinny as Nicole Richie in her anorexic days! No, it was simply about blogging my journey of eating right and exercising to lose weight! It’s all about me losing weight! Today is day one of my journey; I’m starting fresh.
It’s time for me to blow the dust off my stove top and stock the fridge, I’m done F-ing around! From this point forward my world is going to be all about fish and chicken, veggies and rice cakes, nuts and tofu, protein shakes and herbals teas, intense cardio and colon cleanses! To show my dedication to this I am even going to post my current weight as grotesque as it is.

By July of this year I want to be 30 pounds lighter than I am now. By August, I want to be strutting on the beach in my bikini with confidence. By September I want to be completely comfortable in my new, lean body and understand that being fit requires a lifelong commitment. By this time next year I don’t even want to be thinking about weight. I want to free my mind from the anguish of persistently obsessing over what I look like everyday all the time. I. Need. This.

So, as promised...
Starting weight: 203

I will weight myself every Saturday and report back the expectantly declining numbers. I will never lie about my weight. Trust me, there's no point in hiding anything now. I'm as vulnerable as I'm ever going to be.